Dancin' With Myself
by MonsterV
Summary: Deadpool has some time to himself following a car accident.


WARNINGS: Gore, rimming, auto-fellatio, masturbation.

Not canon to the comic-line.

* * *

It was cold out.

The roads were icy and it goes without saying that people were driving like cunts.

Wade was on his way home from a late night drive to satisfy his hunger for something meaty and fried before a dickhead in a Lexus cut him off and sent the shitty little car he'd been driving, complete with balding tired, off the road and down into the embankment. The car shot past several trees, missing about three or four before slamming into a final one.

::DARKNESS::

Wade's eyes slid open minutes later. The door was hanging open and the airbag failed to deploy. The windshield was shattered and the horn was stuck.

"Fuck" he groaned, gathering his bearings and sliding himself out of the car, onto the cold ground, dragging himself several feet before-

"FUCK!" He said louder, looking back at the wreckage.

The windshield was shattered because he must have smashed into a road sign on the way down the embankment and now the green sheet of metal was lodged between the steering wheel and the front seat. His body from the hip bones down was still seated in the car.

Wade sighed, leaning close enough to grasp the fabric of his suit that tattered just above his pelvis and hauled his lower body out of the car along with him.

"We're gonna be here a while," He said to his legs, "because we all know that anyone driving a Lexus is a dick. Guy probably just went home. I'm probably the tenth car he's wrecked this week. Dick."

He settled his legs and pelvis onto the mossy ground, the overhead light from the car casting a glow decent enough to see the extent of his injuries, amongst other things.

His eyes met the firm, tightened crotch of his pants. The tip of his cock was barely visible poking up through the material of his torn suit. His eyebrows raised.

"That get ya going?" He smirked under the mask, cupping himself between his legs, squeezing. A sigh escaped his lips, brain already sparking with ideas.

His fingers found and framed the girth through the material of his pants, stroking it up and down along the length between the tips of his fingers and thumb. A shudder ran up his spine.

He pulled himself up on his hands and 'walked' himself to a position between his legs, getting the bloody stump of his upper body comfortable before slipping his fingers into the waistband of his covering, sliding the pants down to his knees, shivering at the sudden cold shocking his now bare skin.

His hand quickly resumed contact with the previous target, gripping the base of his cock in a firm fist before stroking pelvis to tip, squeezing at the head as a bead of precum dripped out.

" _Mmm"_ a soft moan sounded under the mask.

His fist gripped tighter, stroking harder, quicker, changing grips, angles and motions, stopping powerful strokes to swipe his palm over the tip before continuing his assault.

He licked his lips, free hand peeling up just enough of his mask to free his mouth. He curled forward, scarred lips brushing over the hard muscle stretched over his right hip, nostrils catching the natural scent of a man's body. His tongue protruded only slightly, the damp tip of it slid over his pubic bone, grazing the rough texture of the only traces of hair he had left.

He paused, looking up at the reader.

"You're gonna just sit there and watch?" He asked, waiting for clarification.

 _One second…two seconds…three seconds…_

"Okay…you sick fuck."

Wade's tongue slid out, framing and supporting the head of his cock momentarily before swirling around it, the warmth of his mouth contrasting beautifully with the chill in the air. His lips closed over the tip of it, allowing him to sample a taste of his own body before he took more into his mouth.

He moaned again, fighting the urge to clamp his jaw.

 _Can't bite that off, not yet._

He resisted a smile, sucking hard at the head before releasing pressure and bobbing his mouth up and down on the full length, sucking more gently as his lips got closer to the tip and releasing to swipe his tongue over the veins all along the underside as he lowered and the swollen head bumped the back of his throat.

His legs trembled, shocks of heat and pleasure stabbed at his lower belly.

"Shh…" He soothed, freeing his mouth. His hands ran up and down the insides of his thighs, offering comfort before giving the right thigh a firm slap. It twitched and he bit it playfully, scattering love bites up his leg until he reached the cleft in his ass.

His hands pressed up on the backs of his thighs, spreading them farther apart.

"Nice ass. I've got a nice ass." He though aloud, before dropping his face back down between his thighs.

The tip of his tongue slipped over his entrance. His muscles clenched. His body heaved inward. Fuck, that felt amazing. He tried again, keeping the contact longer, his cheeks muffling a groan. His arms pushed hard against his legs to keep them from clenching as he rimmed himself. His lips and tongue circling and pressing hard at his opening, coaxing it to relax.

Pulling off the glove on his left hand with his teeth, he wasted no time sliding his fingers into his mouth, liberally coating them with saliva before using them to trace his hole, forcing one digit in before his body had time to react.

"AH!" He gasped.

He pumped into himself experimentally, loosening enough to where he could push another finger in, stroking in and out, stabbing his fingers up and down, toward his pelvis and then toward his spine until he found it. The cluster of nerves that sent his vision blurry when he touched it, his sweet spot.

" _Mmm, that's it. Fuck."_

At the peak of each thrust, his hips pushed back, wanting more. His fingers were hitting his prostate with each stroke. He twisted inside, pulling back and teasing, barely in and barely moving before penetrating himself hard, hitting every note perfectly.

His breathing was becoming ragged as his lower body fucked itself on his left hand, while the right went back to his cock, pumping it vigorously as his mouth once again found the head, moaning into it as he sucked. The vibration of his voicebox sent waves of pleasure through his length, deep into the nerve endings wrapped around his spine, up into his brain. It was a constant cycle of pleasure and it was all Wade. That primal, salty taste of his own seed had his entire being screaming for release. Every muscle was drawn tight as piano wire and each thrust of his hips had pleasure rolling over him at either end. The violent thrusts of his fingers were soothed a millisecond later by the soft, warm, wet pressure of his lips and the tight vice of his fist.

His tortured prostate was giving out, his entire body was shuddering, struggling to maintain its momentum. He was exhausted, having no idea how long he'd been at this. With the rush of all of these different sensations it could have been hours. It felt too fucking good to even notice anything that wasn't this sweet mixture of pleasure and pain, of tight blinding heat and frigid cold.

" _Fuck…I'm- so…"_ He sighed, freeing his mouth again as that final wave of pleasure swept over him and he convulsed through orgasm. His vision blackened and his fist jerked rapidly as ropes of semen shot past the open end of his torso and onto the frosty forest floor. His fingers stabbed his prostate for all it was worth and his head felt light, riding out the sensations that threatened to send him into unconsciousness.

Panting, he finished. Gathering control of his own thoughts again, he pulled his pants back up, tucking himself in before promptly collapsing over his thighs.

"Was that good for you?" He asked his legs, tracing slow, sleepy lines up the left thigh with his index finger, now coated with blood.

His eyebrows cocked, lifting his head only enough to turn his gaze to the reader.

"You're still here? Enjoy the show? Great! Good! Perfect! Now go away, I'm tired."

Wade rested his head again. The white eyelets of the mask pinched together more, suggesting the eyes underneath were closed.

" _Hmm…"_ He purred happily.

Suddenly, he shot bolt upright, forgetting he'd been torn in half and nearly knocking himself over as a startling realization came to mind.

"FUCK! MY CHIMICHANGA IS STILL IN THE CAR!"


End file.
